3 Easy Steps to Share Your Fantasies
What is a Fantasy?
"A mental perception that appears most often in a more or less pictorial form and having a hedonic value (seeking pleasure) and excitatory".
- The erotic fantasy, definition of Claude Crépault (1981)
Translation for us, common humans:
"Fantasy is a mental image, either in the form of history, memories, or scenarios that excites you."
Why share our fantasies?
According to several researches, sharing a fantasy would increase the level of intimacy and understanding between two partners. In addition, if it's a fantasy that turns into sexual desire over time, it may be worth trying it with someone you trust.
According to Master & Johnson, 4 criterias can be used to decide whether or not to share a fantasy:
- 1 - How generally exciting this fantasy is?
- 2 - Is the partner in question perceived as open, trustworthy and understanding?
- 3 - Does this fantasy change the view that you have of yourself?
- 4 - How unusual or bizarre is this fantasy?
1. The distinction between fantasy and sexual desire
It is important to understand that fantasies are not sexual desires. That is, some scenarios that excites you in an imaginary situation could probably disturb you or put you in danger in real life. One of the most present example in the literature is one of the most common female fantasy: rape. Indeed, according to different studies, between 31% and 57% of women would have fantasies of rape*.
It is clear that these women do not wish to be truly raped. Krooks and Baur explain this phenomenon well in the book Our Sexuality;
"For women who have received ambiguous messages about their sexual nature, this kind of fantasy is a way of making them unaccountable for having a sexual adventure and not feeling guilty."
Moreover, in a fantasy of submission the woman is still totally in control of the situation, which obviously would not be the case in real life.
So fantasy: Imaginary situation that creates excitement
Sexual desire: A scenario that, if lived in reality, creates excitement
2. Identify your sexual desire
Now that you are able to tell the difference between your fantasies and your sexual desires, take a few moments in a calm environment and evaluate which scenarios you would like to share or recreate with your partner.
3. Share with partner
Starting a conversation about your erotic life and needs is not always easy. Here are our little tricks to start the conversation:
- Some moments may be more appropriate to start a conversation about your sexual desires:
- After visiting an erotic art exhibition
- When you come across an image, a scene in a movie or in a TV show that staged your fantasy
- When you are already in a conversation of the type "I like it when you ... / you turn me on when ..."
- Remind your partner that you find them sexy and desirable in order to put them in a positive and trusting atmosphere
- Talk about your fantasy, start with the general, you can discuss the details when you feel confident
If you decide to try this fantasy in your next intimate moment, we advise you to do it gradually. For example, if your fantasy is to be completely at the mercy of a partner; Ask him/her to hold you by the wrists. If you feel completely comfortable with this level of submission, you can add handcuffs or silk restraints the next time and see how comfortable you are to push this fantasy further.
- NB. According to Master & Johnson and other authors, some people realize that their fantasy loses its erogenous value after sharing it with their partner. Sometimes the effect is the opposite and the fantasy increases in intensity after sharing it.
Your Secret Garden
I would like to mention that you have every right to keep your fantasies to yourself and use them whenever you want, either alone or when you are with a partner. Some of us may be embarrassed or even feel guilty about using fantasies to increase our sexual arousal when we are with a partner. But, remember that it is likely that your partner is also using the power of fantasies at the same time; "96% of men and 91% of women report having occasional erotic fantasies outside their sexual activities" - Book Love, Sex and Chemistry, p.109.
Where we found our information:
- I love female orgasm, Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller (2007)
- Sex and Human Loving, Master and Johnsons (1985)
- Amour, sexe et chimie, Barbara Collins (2011)